I've got a friend who said I should write. And it's that kind of cosmic thing where you just listen. I've been unhealthy and I know it. Jumping out of cars, packing bags in a frenzy pretending to leave my new home. There's nothing sane about it. And yet, I'm overcome by the overwhelming need to protect myself. There's nothing more scary than knowing that the person you've chosen hasn't chosen you.
For my whole life, I've been afraid of someone cheating on me. My fear would manifest in the form of my accusing my partner of committing physical betrayal. But that's not the only kind of cheating one can do. Cheating is simply when you have the option of choosing your partner and you choose something else. Maybe you'll blame it on something that's easy to use as rationalization. You didn't have reception, how could you possibly check in? You deserve this because your partner hasn't been the best lately. Whatever you use to rationalize your lack of caring, the bottom line is the same. You chose something else over your partner. And that showed you didn't care.
Choose me first, choose me first. Maybe it's silly. But then -- how can I choose you when you don't choose me?
Today I'm going to cringe when he touches me.
Because some things you just don't recover from.
