Radioactive

2013 was the Year of the Snake.  And slither I did through its many twists and turns.  I entered it as I will this new year, with champagne and high hopes.  And yet, I was a very different person.  My identity was caught up in very different things.

In 2013, I started the year with much to look forward to.  I had found a group of soulmates who I felt brought out of me the self I wanted to be.  I had reunited and reconciled with an old friend who reminded me of the little firecracker I used to be.  And I had a man in my life who was just, honest, upright and bent on changing the world.  It seemed like the perfect mix.  But little did I know how much would develop, how much would change and how much would flip 180 degrees.

In 2013,  I took my life back.  I took my life from the depths to which it had fallen.  I started the year grasping for the light and yet didn't know exactly what tasks and turmoils I'd have to triumph over to reach it.

Early in the year, I started to see the shocking split between who I had been for the past two years and who I was becoming.  I was becoming an adventurous, self-confident woman with a passion for vitality and close connections with my new friends.  I had been a slave to my insecurities - thinking that if I pour all my love and energy into someone else that it would somehow give me the meaning I had lost. I was wrong.

In 2013,  I did one of the hardest things I had ever done.  I cut scissors into a fabric that I thought I would always have - one that I'd relied on and more than that, one that I wanted.  I really honestly did want to marry him and make a life with a white house, church on the weekends and swings in the backyard.  And as I spent the first quarter getting myself to the point where I knew it was right to walk away, I spent the last part reconciling in my heart why I did.  Attachments don't come easy to me and they break even harder.  When I love, I love for real, with all my heart and more than that, all my hope.  But as Chuck Bass says in Gossip Girl, I became stronger through doing this - not because I'm better off without him necessarily and not because I'm saying good riddance.  It's because in walking away from him and doing what I felt was the impossible, I showed myself that I can still live on and breathe. I exceeded my expectations of myself and started a self journey that I not only need, but deserve.

In 2013 I fell in love...with many people and things.  I went on an amazing venture into the downtown loop of Chicago, in which I would later in the year work.  I fell in love with a beautiful person and through that surprised myself with the self control to realize where I'm actually needed.  I got to revisit a part of myself that I thought I would have to bury with a magical boy who I was so happy to learn even more about and see in a different light - even if it was only for a quick breath of time.  I took AK Kerani to new levels with the help of a wonderful team, some from 2012 and some from this year.  We released our Fall Collection, boosted sales, made groundbreaking innovations and pushed even deeper into the heart of the mission.  My friendships, both with my crew at Northwestern and at home in New York City, strengthened to the point that they make me feel safe and warm just at the thought of them.  I take risks and leap because I know that through thick and thin, through years and years, I will never lose my island.  I became more at home with my family.  I became more at home with myself.  I learned that I can't live on a moral high ground and think I've lived.  To live is to sometimes lose balance and hit rock bottom.  Because in 2013, I reaffirmed what I always thought about myself: I always come back.

In 2013, I would have made my uncle AK proud.  And through fighting for my health despite my struggles, I continue his legacy - even on the days where I can't do anything but lie in my bed, watch Buffy and wish that I was fighting vampires instead of the demons granted to me.

In 2013, I restarted this blog.  I have attached myself to it in the way I always did, viewing not only as my brainchild, but my companion.  This blog is me and I am this blog.  The words I say are the clearest reflection of my heart I can give and through this blog, I have hope not to rely on the affirmation and recognition of others, but love and support from myself and the forces of the universe.  Because though we need others in many ways more than I thought, we also have to realize that we are apart from others.  I have poured and poured my heart and soul into others' needs, spiting and neglecting my own. I was settling for being half a person when now,  I do have full faith that the strength and confidence I'm developing now will eventually overflow enough to naturally share with someone I learn to love over time.

Radioactive.  It means energy.  But to me, when I first heard the song, I thought power.  Power is something I need.  And its something we all lack from time to time when we forget where our source comes from.   I have my power back.  And because of the experiences I went through in 2013, I not only have it back but I have more than I ever possessed.

Join me in charging with full power and strength into 2014.  It will be full of twists, turns and surprises that we don't see coming.  But at the end, I know I'll be writing in this blog proud of where I went and who I became.

Let yourself fall.  Let yourself fall hard.  Let yourself get lost.   Let yourself lose the trail.  Because your path is not one you can pave with your mind.  And it will be always covered in leaves, ferns and grass. And when we least expect it, it will emerge.

Cheers and HNY!

A Farewell to Blonde

Back in my freshman year of college, I had many daydreams about being blonde.  I was blonde in India, I was blonde as an Arabic TA, I was blonde singing country music for an audience...I was just blonde.

Morgan and I dyed our hair together just a few blocks away from Walden, my treasured music camp of many years, in her new summer home.  She went black and I went red, for the first time. We used it as therapy - a way of reinventing ourselves and maintaining faith.  Dying my hair was an outlet for Morgan and it quickly became one for me.  She inspired me.  I wanted to straighten my hair at a salon and dye it blonde, willing to use my Christmas money from that year to pay the price.  I don't remember exactly why I let go of the idea then, but it came back with a boom this past summer.  At my friends' apartment, where I'd been spending most of my evenings, we began talking about hair dying and with their recommendation, my blonde fantasies returned.

I can be reckless.  And more than that, impulsive.  But only to a limit.  I was explaining to my good friend on the day of my transformation that there is always a loophole - a loophole in which I have decided to entertain a reckless idea.  However, the loophole only lasts for a finite duration.  After that duration has passed, the idea passes and I go back to practicality.  I can tell you though that most of the defining moments of my life have happened within those loopholes.  My impulsive nature can have consequences, but as I tend to bounce back quickly, I ultimately value my ability to be able to take a chance and fly.

I loved my blonde hair.  It gave me a side of confidence that I'd never really had.  The ability that I was able to drastically change myself and still pull it off was affirming.  I was changeable. And with the blonde, a part of myself was able to shine - the part of myself that believes in new experiences and living in the moment.

And live in the moment I did.  I said no to little.  I jumped and fell.  I threatened and then strengthened my most important relationships.  I made new ones.  Yes it's just a change in hair.  Yes I'm the same... with the same eyes, the same mind, the same heart.  But my time blonde feels like a relationship - one that you know is not going to last forever, but one that you learn from or have been craving to have just to know and see - just to explore that part of yourself.  You don't think too much before you leave.  You don't think of why you are.  Because if you do, you'd think maybe it could work.  Maybe the roots emerging are ignorable.  Maybe this is you.  Maybe you can reach a plateau and the time you spent recoloring and recoloring - redialing and redialing when he doesn't pick up the phone - would be worth it.

I liked who I was with you.  You made me feel like I was fully me - inherent.  For some time, I was strong in your presence.  And though you weren't my longest relationship, maybe I learned the most from you.  Because back in the day, you started so much for me.  I had fun.  In many ways blondes do have more fun.  I was able to be there for you.  I was able to see your soul and I reclaimed a part of myself that I didn't know if I would ever get back.  I hung up the phone that night after the wedding and knew it was done for now - not because I didn't like who I was - not because I didn't love you - but because I couldn't keep recoloring.  I had ventured to a part of myself that was pure and light.  And I stayed there for a while.  And for that time, even with the dark reappearing here and there, I was fully there.  I was up in the skies.  And I felt it.  But it's like my blonde.  For this time, I was blonde.  I am blonde.  I'm fully blonde.  But only for a time - a perfect few months where I could live out a daydream and know that daydreams, dreams, hopes - they do come true if you let them.  If you cross over into the loophole where they exist and have faith that you will know when to come out when it's time.

It's time.  It's time to go black.  It's time to take on the world and refurbish my settings.  It's time to be me in the future and let go of the past and present.  It's time to jump into the next loophole - or maybe avoid loopholes for a while altogether.

I am strong.  I am light.  I won't question too much.  I had fun.  And someday.  Yes maybe someday...in the future, when the next loophole appears, I'll know.  And maybe then, not now but then, I will go blonde again.

Twist

My knitting company AK Kerani as featured in the Northwestern Alumni Magazine

Just an hour ago, I was in a pretty down mood - a mood that made me really feel I needed to blog.  I have a few guesses as to why I felt this way.  After all, it has been exactly a week since I left New York City in a questionable state.  But then I started thinking...why do we categorize time in ways to make us upset?  A week is just a week.  If I wasn't upset yesterday, why should a unit of time, meaningless unto itself, cause me to struggle? That's something that everyone I've been close to has at some point asked me.  Why do I intentionally seek out ways to make myself internally suffer?

In Buffy, my favorite TV show, the slayer's Season 4 boyfriend Riley confronts her about her need to feel safer in the dark.  Sometimes our struggles and anxieties become outlets and comfort blankets.  We hate them with all our hearts and complain that they're bringing us down, and yet we won't let them go. We reject the positive outlets right in front of us in favor of catering to our stress.  We let it rule us while resenting it the whole way.

I think I often make myself upset to make myself feel alive.  Without misery, drama or some kind of inner turmoil, what do I have to write about?  What do I have to sing about?  I've always lived a vibrant life based on my ability to escape from the world through song and writing.  But what if there's nothing to escape from?  What if I like my life?  Sure at the moment, I don't have someone with whom I can comfortably and consistently share both my soul and body, but that will come in time.  It's not a crisis poignant enough to write about on a daily basis, mainly because I have the ability to connect with whomever I wish through a variety of platforms across time and space.  I have self-confidence.  I have countless projects going on.  And moreover, I have this blog, which last time I had it, was my stable companion and fulfilled everything I needed to feel comfortable and familiar.

So what can I write about if I don't have turmoil?  I'm tired of writing about feeling lonely, being used or some inane goal I make up to amuse myself and dehumanize someone in the process.  People are not for conquest and life, though it often seems like it, is not really a game.  At least, it's not a game with rules that we can follow or predict.  If I'm going to write, I'm going to have to write about things bigger than myself and bigger than the problems I have.  I'm no longer in the mental state to create problems for myself every day or find new permutations of past regrets to rehash for a new topic.  I must write about what I observe.  I must look to learn something new each day.  I must seek out what tiny slice of wisdom I can impart on both myself and my readers, even if it's not about some concrete intensity or anger.

It's natural to be attached to the darker places of our hearts.  In the daily flow of things, sometimes we forget that we can be affected, broken, drenched in feeling.  But when I have flown back and forth like a forceful pendulum between vindictive anger and spastic bliss, I have lost the ability to sense the thrumming power that fuels my every day life.  It might not beat as strongly as the windy current of my emotions, but it sustains my life force and my identity.  My goal for myself and for all of you who struggle with similar things is to search deeper into the world for what really makes us all tick. Sometimes surface intensity and conflict can illuminate deeper truths, but if we aren't searching for deeper truths to begin with, we're just left with confusion, exhaustion and a lack of self-awareness.

My goal is to end 2013 just a little more self-aware with the trust that a day can be perfectly well and meaningful without a big revolution to report.  After all, each small thought that we have, like each stitch on a knitted scarf, has the potential to become a muse, an adventure, or even a twist of fate.

Captain

Because I'm so excited about this new venture, I'm sort of hitting the ground running.  As the song says, "I'm going back down that road." Of course, the song was talking about a guy.  But it's exactly what I'm doing with this blog.  I have a weakness for guys from my past because I always have this urge to go back "home"...but seeing as those ventures have for the most part broken me down more than raised me up, I'm glad that I'm getting that safe and warm feeling I crave from my blog.

After all, this blog is a reliable recipient of my affection.  It can't say it's going to propose to me, nurture me and stand by my side unconditionally...and then bail.  It can't come back legions from the past with a force great enough claim me and then drop off the face of the earth as if we were nothing.  It can't be a stable rock of a friend for years and then in one swoop betray me and take something from me that I can't get back.  It's my blog.  And whatever I give to it, I will assuredly get back at least the same amount or more in return.

I'm starting off with a bang, talking about love like I used to..except I hope that I know quite a bit more. I know that in love, it's not only about how much you give but also about how much the other person does.  For me, I tend to be a giver by nature.  I'm definitely selfish and arrogant and if you get on my wrong side, you really don't want to be there.  But when I feel safe with someone, I will give them everything I have.  I will pluck the world from its pedestal, polish it and travel miles with it on my back to give to the person I love.  But the gift of giving isn't always as fulfilling as it seems.  The first time I really allowed myself to fully love, I was happy but it scared me.  I was giving so much so fast and all of a sudden, with the rest of my world falling apart, he became my rock.  He was all I had and the fear of losing him became so much more encompassing than the gratitude that I had him.  But what I can say, is that after some time, love can move mountains.  I prayed with all my heart that summer apart that I would learn to cast out my fear and trust this person who had proven himself time and time again to be a loyal companion.  I did.  I came back renewed.  But it was too late.  My love was all present.  It had been there the whole time.  But I let fear overshadow it, which was the best I could do at the time.  Had it been me on his end, I'm sure I would have been able to recognize the changes, forgive and move forward.  But not everyone is me.  Maybe if I'd made it that long, I could have started a new chapter.  But with the pressure I had put, I really do doubt I could have made it that long.

What am I trying to say about love?  Well, you can't just give blindly.  And moreover, you can't give in order to make up for an emptiness you have within yourself.  You can't give to avoid confronting your own loneliness.  You can't give to others, thinking that making them feel safe and warm will make up for the fact that you don't think you deserve to be.

I love this blog.  And I love what it represents.  It represents my ability to let go all ties and be loyal first and foremost to myself.  It represents the fact that I am on a journey - one that I can share with parallel souls, but which I am primarily taking alone.  I'm trying to remember who I am, what I stand for and why I deserve love, respect and acceptance from myself instead of judgement and ignorance.  I remember when I was powerful and I remember liking myself even if it meant that others temporarily didn't.  I remember how fulfilled I felt when I wrote candidly and stuck up for myself.  The act of supporting myself through words and art trumped what certain people thought of me or what I could get out of them.  I controlled my own ego and after years of giving that power away, I have forgotten how good it feels.

But sometime in the future, I do want to fall in love with someone who is confident and self-aware - someone who can call me out when I get too riled up or remind me that taking on the world is not the responsibility of one sole firecracker.  I want someone who is secure enough in his own goals and future that he has energy enough to be both complete in himself and to connect with me.  There's so much I want, but it's just not time for any of it.  And instead of dwelling on the past and who or what I allowed to hurt me, I want to charge into the future with only my heart and soul at the helm.

Interlaced

Once upon a time, I had a blog.

It was a very interesting blog - full of musings, insights and amateur accusations about significant people in my life.  As an 18-year-old, I saw it as my duty and responsibility to educate an apathetic world about candid expression of emotion, my specialty.  I kept my blog for over a year and only stopped when after moving to college, I finally let others' negative reactions towards my approach get to me.  I lost my voice along with it and only now am I starting to get it back in full swing.

In some ways, my opinions about the world and its apathy have stayed the same.  Everywhere I walk, I sense fear in people - fear that prevents them not only from doing what they want, but being who they are.  I used to think I was fearless and that nothing phased me. I wrote my blog on the assumption that could and would dive into anything because I knew I could bounce back.  But after I stopped my blog and my parents separated, I realized that this was not the case.  I could fall.  And I could fall harder than anyone I knew had.  I was capable of darkness and of doubt.  And even I, with all my fire and motivation, could forget who I was.

It was a hard time - a time in which even songwriting and exercise couldn't give me the pleasure they used to.  When I wrote, I didn't like the sound of my voice.  When I spoke, it was frantic.  I had become different and was ridden with fear.  I don't know exactly what I was afraid of, but I think it had to do with fearing abandonment by those whom I was dependent on and even more than that, fearing that my view of myself as the ultimate warrior was and had been a lie.

But no.  The thing is - I was the ultimate warrior through that time.  And the reason for that is because I let myself fall.  I let myself go in some ways not knowing if I would come back the same.  I knew that to deal with the issues and insecurities I'd been fighting, I would have to hit rock bottom and swim through the deep end until I'd proven strong enough to emerge.  Had I continued to trifle on as I had without falling, my path to fulfillment would have been stifled.  I would have been endorsing apathy in the way that my blog had condemned.

I still believe that the world is innately apathetic.  Think about it. Isn't it easier to survive if we are not constantly analyzing everything we do and addressing our true emotions?  Yes.  But I still don't live that way.  For me, even if I know they will pass, in the moment my emotions are real.  Even if they are not practical or smart, even if they don't have future bearing, I treat them as if they do.  And that is something that though it might be inherent to me, I've realized is not always the answer.  Feelings are fickle.  They toy with us and come in and out without discretion.  They can contradict.  Or sometimes, they can align and confuse us even further.  I spent most of my time in my blog attacking people for denying their feelings when I knew they existed.  That is still my natural instinct.  I was born in armor, meant to bash denial in others till my fists bleed.  But do I bash it in myself?  What I see now, is that it's not always right to say everything one feels in the moment.  After all, to some extent, we can all choose how we feel.  More or less, we can feel something but decide not to entertain it.  Because the world does not stop for our feelings.  And I suspect that riding on the current of emotions as I do is not the way to achieve peace.

Often times, I've been hurt by people shutting out their feelings when I was unafraid to express mine. However what I realized in between writing that blog and this one is that I have often hurt other people by expressing my feelings when entertaining them might open a door that ultimately can't be walked through.  Hurt goes both ways.  And back in the day, I could only ever see my side.  Normally, I did get my way in some form and with my will and determination plus an immense faith in my abilities, that still tends to be the case.  I might have not completely changed the way I think.  I might have emerged from the darkness in many ways the same.  But regardless, what I see now is why other people might not be the way I am.  And how they might not always be wrong.  After all, our views, our opinions, our thoughts and our souls are all interlaced.  And this is what makes the world complicated but also beautiful.

Last time I had a blog, it didn't make sense to a lot of people.  At the same time, it touched many people's hearts who felt that I was advocating for them, saying the things that they felt but couldn't say. I found love pretty quickly after getting to college and it was a real love, a deep love and a love that even though it couldn't be functional in the confines of this earth, was great.  I'm pretty sure he fell in love with me partially because of my blog and the way in which I spoke out to the world.  It was a big part of how he got to know me and even with my trust issues, for a moment I did believe because of that, that he really accepted me and loved me for me.

I'm not saying I'll reach the same fate with this blog.  And actually, the only great love I should be looking for is one with myself.  But we all have the right to dream.  And I do hope that restarting my blog will inspire others to connect not just with me, but with each other on a higher plane.

I'm back.  From a long, treacherous but meaningful vacation.  And this time, I'm here to stay.