Because I'm so excited about this new venture, I'm sort of hitting the ground running. As the song says, "I'm going back down that road." Of course, the song was talking about a guy. But it's exactly what I'm doing with this blog. I have a weakness for guys from my past because I always have this urge to go back "home"...but seeing as those ventures have for the most part broken me down more than raised me up, I'm glad that I'm getting that safe and warm feeling I crave from my blog.
After all, this blog is a reliable recipient of my affection. It can't say it's going to propose to me, nurture me and stand by my side unconditionally...and then bail. It can't come back legions from the past with a force great enough claim me and then drop off the face of the earth as if we were nothing. It can't be a stable rock of a friend for years and then in one swoop betray me and take something from me that I can't get back. It's my blog. And whatever I give to it, I will assuredly get back at least the same amount or more in return.
I'm starting off with a bang, talking about love like I used to..except I hope that I know quite a bit more. I know that in love, it's not only about how much you give but also about how much the other person does. For me, I tend to be a giver by nature. I'm definitely selfish and arrogant and if you get on my wrong side, you really don't want to be there. But when I feel safe with someone, I will give them everything I have. I will pluck the world from its pedestal, polish it and travel miles with it on my back to give to the person I love. But the gift of giving isn't always as fulfilling as it seems. The first time I really allowed myself to fully love, I was happy but it scared me. I was giving so much so fast and all of a sudden, with the rest of my world falling apart, he became my rock. He was all I had and the fear of losing him became so much more encompassing than the gratitude that I had him. But what I can say, is that after some time, love can move mountains. I prayed with all my heart that summer apart that I would learn to cast out my fear and trust this person who had proven himself time and time again to be a loyal companion. I did. I came back renewed. But it was too late. My love was all present. It had been there the whole time. But I let fear overshadow it, which was the best I could do at the time. Had it been me on his end, I'm sure I would have been able to recognize the changes, forgive and move forward. But not everyone is me. Maybe if I'd made it that long, I could have started a new chapter. But with the pressure I had put, I really do doubt I could have made it that long.
What am I trying to say about love? Well, you can't just give blindly. And moreover, you can't give in order to make up for an emptiness you have within yourself. You can't give to avoid confronting your own loneliness. You can't give to others, thinking that making them feel safe and warm will make up for the fact that you don't think you deserve to be.
I love this blog. And I love what it represents. It represents my ability to let go all ties and be loyal first and foremost to myself. It represents the fact that I am on a journey - one that I can share with parallel souls, but which I am primarily taking alone. I'm trying to remember who I am, what I stand for and why I deserve love, respect and acceptance from myself instead of judgement and ignorance. I remember when I was powerful and I remember liking myself even if it meant that others temporarily didn't. I remember how fulfilled I felt when I wrote candidly and stuck up for myself. The act of supporting myself through words and art trumped what certain people thought of me or what I could get out of them. I controlled my own ego and after years of giving that power away, I have forgotten how good it feels.
But sometime in the future, I do want to fall in love with someone who is confident and self-aware - someone who can call me out when I get too riled up or remind me that taking on the world is not the responsibility of one sole firecracker. I want someone who is secure enough in his own goals and future that he has energy enough to be both complete in himself and to connect with me. There's so much I want, but it's just not time for any of it. And instead of dwelling on the past and who or what I allowed to hurt me, I want to charge into the future with only my heart and soul at the helm.
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