2013 was the Year of the Snake. And slither I did through its many twists and turns. I entered it as I will this new year, with champagne and high hopes. And yet, I was a very different person. My identity was caught up in very different things.
In 2013, I started the year with much to look forward to. I had found a group of soulmates who I felt brought out of me the self I wanted to be. I had reunited and reconciled with an old friend who reminded me of the little firecracker I used to be. And I had a man in my life who was just, honest, upright and bent on changing the world. It seemed like the perfect mix. But little did I know how much would develop, how much would change and how much would flip 180 degrees.
In 2013, I took my life back. I took my life from the depths to which it had fallen. I started the year grasping for the light and yet didn't know exactly what tasks and turmoils I'd have to triumph over to reach it.
Early in the year, I started to see the shocking split between who I had been for the past two years and who I was becoming. I was becoming an adventurous, self-confident woman with a passion for vitality and close connections with my new friends. I had been a slave to my insecurities - thinking that if I pour all my love and energy into someone else that it would somehow give me the meaning I had lost. I was wrong.
In 2013, I did one of the hardest things I had ever done. I cut scissors into a fabric that I thought I would always have - one that I'd relied on and more than that, one that I wanted. I really honestly did want to marry him and make a life with a white house, church on the weekends and swings in the backyard. And as I spent the first quarter getting myself to the point where I knew it was right to walk away, I spent the last part reconciling in my heart why I did. Attachments don't come easy to me and they break even harder. When I love, I love for real, with all my heart and more than that, all my hope. But as Chuck Bass says in Gossip Girl, I became stronger through doing this - not because I'm better off without him necessarily and not because I'm saying good riddance. It's because in walking away from him and doing what I felt was the impossible, I showed myself that I can still live on and breathe. I exceeded my expectations of myself and started a self journey that I not only need, but deserve.
In 2013 I fell in love...with many people and things. I went on an amazing venture into the downtown loop of Chicago, in which I would later in the year work. I fell in love with a beautiful person and through that surprised myself with the self control to realize where I'm actually needed. I got to revisit a part of myself that I thought I would have to bury with a magical boy who I was so happy to learn even more about and see in a different light - even if it was only for a quick breath of time. I took AK Kerani to new levels with the help of a wonderful team, some from 2012 and some from this year. We released our Fall Collection, boosted sales, made groundbreaking innovations and pushed even deeper into the heart of the mission. My friendships, both with my crew at Northwestern and at home in New York City, strengthened to the point that they make me feel safe and warm just at the thought of them. I take risks and leap because I know that through thick and thin, through years and years, I will never lose my island. I became more at home with my family. I became more at home with myself. I learned that I can't live on a moral high ground and think I've lived. To live is to sometimes lose balance and hit rock bottom. Because in 2013, I reaffirmed what I always thought about myself: I always come back.
In 2013, I would have made my uncle AK proud. And through fighting for my health despite my struggles, I continue his legacy - even on the days where I can't do anything but lie in my bed, watch Buffy and wish that I was fighting vampires instead of the demons granted to me.
In 2013, I restarted this blog. I have attached myself to it in the way I always did, viewing not only as my brainchild, but my companion. This blog is me and I am this blog. The words I say are the clearest reflection of my heart I can give and through this blog, I have hope not to rely on the affirmation and recognition of others, but love and support from myself and the forces of the universe. Because though we need others in many ways more than I thought, we also have to realize that we are apart from others. I have poured and poured my heart and soul into others' needs, spiting and neglecting my own. I was settling for being half a person when now, I do have full faith that the strength and confidence I'm developing now will eventually overflow enough to naturally share with someone I learn to love over time.
Radioactive. It means energy. But to me, when I first heard the song, I thought power. Power is something I need. And its something we all lack from time to time when we forget where our source comes from. I have my power back. And because of the experiences I went through in 2013, I not only have it back but I have more than I ever possessed.
Join me in charging with full power and strength into 2014. It will be full of twists, turns and surprises that we don't see coming. But at the end, I know I'll be writing in this blog proud of where I went and who I became.
Let yourself fall. Let yourself fall hard. Let yourself get lost. Let yourself lose the trail. Because your path is not one you can pave with your mind. And it will be always covered in leaves, ferns and grass. And when we least expect it, it will emerge.
Cheers and HNY!
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