Interlaced

Once upon a time, I had a blog.

It was a very interesting blog - full of musings, insights and amateur accusations about significant people in my life.  As an 18-year-old, I saw it as my duty and responsibility to educate an apathetic world about candid expression of emotion, my specialty.  I kept my blog for over a year and only stopped when after moving to college, I finally let others' negative reactions towards my approach get to me.  I lost my voice along with it and only now am I starting to get it back in full swing.

In some ways, my opinions about the world and its apathy have stayed the same.  Everywhere I walk, I sense fear in people - fear that prevents them not only from doing what they want, but being who they are.  I used to think I was fearless and that nothing phased me. I wrote my blog on the assumption that could and would dive into anything because I knew I could bounce back.  But after I stopped my blog and my parents separated, I realized that this was not the case.  I could fall.  And I could fall harder than anyone I knew had.  I was capable of darkness and of doubt.  And even I, with all my fire and motivation, could forget who I was.

It was a hard time - a time in which even songwriting and exercise couldn't give me the pleasure they used to.  When I wrote, I didn't like the sound of my voice.  When I spoke, it was frantic.  I had become different and was ridden with fear.  I don't know exactly what I was afraid of, but I think it had to do with fearing abandonment by those whom I was dependent on and even more than that, fearing that my view of myself as the ultimate warrior was and had been a lie.

But no.  The thing is - I was the ultimate warrior through that time.  And the reason for that is because I let myself fall.  I let myself go in some ways not knowing if I would come back the same.  I knew that to deal with the issues and insecurities I'd been fighting, I would have to hit rock bottom and swim through the deep end until I'd proven strong enough to emerge.  Had I continued to trifle on as I had without falling, my path to fulfillment would have been stifled.  I would have been endorsing apathy in the way that my blog had condemned.

I still believe that the world is innately apathetic.  Think about it. Isn't it easier to survive if we are not constantly analyzing everything we do and addressing our true emotions?  Yes.  But I still don't live that way.  For me, even if I know they will pass, in the moment my emotions are real.  Even if they are not practical or smart, even if they don't have future bearing, I treat them as if they do.  And that is something that though it might be inherent to me, I've realized is not always the answer.  Feelings are fickle.  They toy with us and come in and out without discretion.  They can contradict.  Or sometimes, they can align and confuse us even further.  I spent most of my time in my blog attacking people for denying their feelings when I knew they existed.  That is still my natural instinct.  I was born in armor, meant to bash denial in others till my fists bleed.  But do I bash it in myself?  What I see now, is that it's not always right to say everything one feels in the moment.  After all, to some extent, we can all choose how we feel.  More or less, we can feel something but decide not to entertain it.  Because the world does not stop for our feelings.  And I suspect that riding on the current of emotions as I do is not the way to achieve peace.

Often times, I've been hurt by people shutting out their feelings when I was unafraid to express mine. However what I realized in between writing that blog and this one is that I have often hurt other people by expressing my feelings when entertaining them might open a door that ultimately can't be walked through.  Hurt goes both ways.  And back in the day, I could only ever see my side.  Normally, I did get my way in some form and with my will and determination plus an immense faith in my abilities, that still tends to be the case.  I might have not completely changed the way I think.  I might have emerged from the darkness in many ways the same.  But regardless, what I see now is why other people might not be the way I am.  And how they might not always be wrong.  After all, our views, our opinions, our thoughts and our souls are all interlaced.  And this is what makes the world complicated but also beautiful.

Last time I had a blog, it didn't make sense to a lot of people.  At the same time, it touched many people's hearts who felt that I was advocating for them, saying the things that they felt but couldn't say. I found love pretty quickly after getting to college and it was a real love, a deep love and a love that even though it couldn't be functional in the confines of this earth, was great.  I'm pretty sure he fell in love with me partially because of my blog and the way in which I spoke out to the world.  It was a big part of how he got to know me and even with my trust issues, for a moment I did believe because of that, that he really accepted me and loved me for me.

I'm not saying I'll reach the same fate with this blog.  And actually, the only great love I should be looking for is one with myself.  But we all have the right to dream.  And I do hope that restarting my blog will inspire others to connect not just with me, but with each other on a higher plane.

I'm back.  From a long, treacherous but meaningful vacation.  And this time, I'm here to stay.