Back in my freshman year of college, I had many daydreams about being blonde. I was blonde in India, I was blonde as an Arabic TA, I was blonde singing country music for an audience...I was just blonde.
Morgan and I dyed our hair together just a few blocks away from Walden, my treasured music camp of many years, in her new summer home. She went black and I went red, for the first time. We used it as therapy - a way of reinventing ourselves and maintaining faith. Dying my hair was an outlet for Morgan and it quickly became one for me. She inspired me. I wanted to straighten my hair at a salon and dye it blonde, willing to use my Christmas money from that year to pay the price. I don't remember exactly why I let go of the idea then, but it came back with a boom this past summer. At my friends' apartment, where I'd been spending most of my evenings, we began talking about hair dying and with their recommendation, my blonde fantasies returned.
I can be reckless. And more than that, impulsive. But only to a limit. I was explaining to my good friend on the day of my transformation that there is always a loophole - a loophole in which I have decided to entertain a reckless idea. However, the loophole only lasts for a finite duration. After that duration has passed, the idea passes and I go back to practicality. I can tell you though that most of the defining moments of my life have happened within those loopholes. My impulsive nature can have consequences, but as I tend to bounce back quickly, I ultimately value my ability to be able to take a chance and fly.
I loved my blonde hair. It gave me a side of confidence that I'd never really had. The ability that I was able to drastically change myself and still pull it off was affirming. I was changeable. And with the blonde, a part of myself was able to shine - the part of myself that believes in new experiences and living in the moment.
And live in the moment I did. I said no to little. I jumped and fell. I threatened and then strengthened my most important relationships. I made new ones. Yes it's just a change in hair. Yes I'm the same... with the same eyes, the same mind, the same heart. But my time blonde feels like a relationship - one that you know is not going to last forever, but one that you learn from or have been craving to have just to know and see - just to explore that part of yourself. You don't think too much before you leave. You don't think of why you are. Because if you do, you'd think maybe it could work. Maybe the roots emerging are ignorable. Maybe this is you. Maybe you can reach a plateau and the time you spent recoloring and recoloring - redialing and redialing when he doesn't pick up the phone - would be worth it.
I liked who I was with you. You made me feel like I was fully me - inherent. For some time, I was strong in your presence. And though you weren't my longest relationship, maybe I learned the most from you. Because back in the day, you started so much for me. I had fun. In many ways blondes do have more fun. I was able to be there for you. I was able to see your soul and I reclaimed a part of myself that I didn't know if I would ever get back. I hung up the phone that night after the wedding and knew it was done for now - not because I didn't like who I was - not because I didn't love you - but because I couldn't keep recoloring. I had ventured to a part of myself that was pure and light. And I stayed there for a while. And for that time, even with the dark reappearing here and there, I was fully there. I was up in the skies. And I felt it. But it's like my blonde. For this time, I was blonde. I am blonde. I'm fully blonde. But only for a time - a perfect few months where I could live out a daydream and know that daydreams, dreams, hopes - they do come true if you let them. If you cross over into the loophole where they exist and have faith that you will know when to come out when it's time.
It's time. It's time to go black. It's time to take on the world and refurbish my settings. It's time to be me in the future and let go of the past and present. It's time to jump into the next loophole - or maybe avoid loopholes for a while altogether.
I am strong. I am light. I won't question too much. I had fun. And someday. Yes maybe someday...in the future, when the next loophole appears, I'll know. And maybe then, not now but then, I will go blonde again.
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